Natalie’s Rating:
Hey babe, I’ll start this off by saying that you have the weirdest dick I think I’ve ever seen. I’m not a medical professional but I am nearly 100% sure that a penis is not supposed to do that. Speaking of medical professionals, have you seen one? Because you should consider it. Your dick looks like what would happen if the white orc from Lord of the RIngs had a micro-penis. If we were getting frisky and you pulled this out for me I don’t know that I would be able to contain my laughter or my disgust. I might try to touch it to be polite, but honestly it’s so revolting I wouldn’t be able to get very far with it. If you wanted me to put it in my mouth I think I would genuinely gag.
Your cock straight up looks like something fungal. Like a mushroom invaded your body and sprouted around your groin region. Your dick looks almost spongy and I am absolutely certain that if I were to touch it, it would be clammy. The hair situation is incredibly disgusting, the only thing I could think of when I looked at it was ‘grimy’ and the thought of having to touch it made me sick to my stomach. It also looks like it smells extremely musty, like a mix of rotting potatoes combined with soured mushrooms and milk that’s gone off.
In the interest of trying to write an honest review, I thought about what it would be like to attempt to have sex with you and I cringed so hard I did an involuntary Keigel. The floppiness of your dick would mean that any actual attempt to fuck would be almost tragic. Can you even enter anyone with a dick that floppy? And once you got it in, what would even be the point? It’s too rubbery to move with any real effect. If I tried to ride, it would just slip out and flop around!
Your note said that you were dating someone and I would like to congratulate you on being rich enough to afford that, because there is absolutely no way she is with you for the sex. She must be a real trooper too, because there is no way I could handle prolonged exposure to your pale little fungus dick. She must have a fantastic imagination, too! If I were in her situation, I would have to retreat to my happy place every single time you dropped your pants. I bet she thinks about other people when you have sex, I wonder whose cock she imagines instead of yours? Does she just enjoy not ever oragasming? Because there is no way you could ever please a woman with that…. Thing you’ve got downstairs. I’m gonna close by telling you you have an awful lot of courage for showing off that freaky rubber dick. 0/5 but only because I can’t assign a negative value as a rating.
nats
Eanna’s Rating:H
ey baby 😉 Just want to thank you for submitting your dick. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. At first I thought it was a joke, that somebody had submitted a fake dick for review. But then I realized it was your actual dick and I actually threw up a little bit in my mouth. I want you to know that anyone who has ever told you that your dick is ok has been lying to you. Because sweetie, there is nothing ok about your dick. The picture you sent me displaying your “cock” where you have it twisted to the side and your balls are up genuinely made me concerned for your health and safety. I don’t know if you know this, but the testicles are supposed to go underneath your dick. That position made me question my own understanding of anatomy. The testicles themselves are also cause for concern. They’re tiny, but somehow plump. If I had to say very specifically what they reminded me of, I would say full spider egg sacs ready to burst. Moving on from your balls, though they are a study in what it means to deal with body horror. There is still much to unpack. Though your dick is technically big in length, I don’t think that that matters much. Even though your dick is long, it’d feel like I was fucking a balloon animal with how rubbery and bendy your dick is. The color of your dick, perhaps, concerns me most of all. It’s so pale, it’s what I imagine to be Gollum’s dick, from Lord of the Rings. Like something cave-dwelling. If your dick was a fish, it would be one of those fucked up eyeless fish that they have in those caves.If you were to drop your pants at our first meeting, it would take genuine effort on my part to not be immediately sick. I can only imagine the smell of something that looks like that. I wasn’t sure that what you sent me wasn’t something that you carved out of your dick cheese. Furthermore, your pubic hair situation reminds me of a homeless man’s beard. If I looked hard enough and searched, I’m sure I could find bits of day-old food. Your comments said that you have a girlfriend. I would encourage you to make sure that she hasn’t taken out a life insurance policy. Because I assure you, she isn’t there for the dick. If I were your partner, there’s no way I would be able to consistently have sex with you. So if she manages it, please tell her that she is eligible for sainthood in the Roman Catholic Church. I close by saying I hope I never see a dick as weird as yours for the rest of my life. I’ve never recommended this to any client before, but I would genuinely recommend you look into some sort of reconstructive surgery. -⅗ stars because it made me ill having to look at it.
Bethany’s Rating:Hi sweetie! We love to see someone brave enough to embarrass themselves in public like this. I pride myself on not being a squeamish person, but your dick really just hit all of the worst marks possible. I found myself while I was reviewing having to take breaks and watch cute kitten and puppy videos to distract myself from the horror show that is your package. It’s too bad that freak shows have fallen out of fashion because you have genuinely missed your calling. Should you ever find yourself in need of a career change, I am certain that there is a freak show somewhere that would be willing to charge folks money in order to see your penis. Genitalia that bendy is in fact a mistake made by nature. The thought of me going on a date with you and then you dropping your pants at the end of the night made me sad for hypothetical me. After all, what would I even be able to say? “Wow, it sure is mushroom-y!” Genuine question: How do you even fuck? Is it like a costume sword where you try to stick it in and it just bends in to the right? You’re the first person I’ve ever reviewed whose pictures immediately made me think ‘oh god, it’s so damp.’ It makes me wonder what the point of getting you hard would be if we were going to have sex. It would make no difference if you were hard or soft for my pleasure, because it would be the same for me either way. In fact, I think I would almost prefer that you remained flaccid. Because the things your dick does when it’s hard are completely revolting. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but dicks should not bend like that. It’s like if they turned Stretch Armstrong into a dildo! I want you to know that I don’t mean this harshly. It is genuinely to your benefit to never show anyone else your penis ever again, for their sake mostly – because nobody should be forced to look at something so objectively disgusting – but also for yours, because I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to have such low self esteem. Your note said that you have a girlfriend. Do you know who she’s fucking on the side? Because there’s no way in hell she’s just fucking you. If she’s fucking you at all. I know this because no person would willingly consign herself to a life so devoid of pleasure. If she is, she’s most certainly thinking of someone else while you attempt to insert your pathetic… rope…hose…appendage…(it’s really hard to find the right word to describe what you’ve got going on because there is no way that your package constitutes a penis. In fact, it nearly defies description.) I’m going to sign off by begging you to never send me a submission again. Your penis will haunt my nightmares. 1 / 5 stars because it took guts
Hi baby 🙂 Wish I could say I love the cock, but that would be a lie. I sat down to start this review a couple of times but had to stop because I kept getting nauseous. Your cock has all of the charm of a 27 car pileup, or a particularly extravagant train wreck. I’ll tell you one thing it has going for it, you absolutely cannot look away. I need you to know that the things I’m about to say next I don’t mean personally. I just think it’s in your best interests that if anybody asks, you pretend you don’t have a dick. Because having no dick at all is better than what you have going on downstairs. I’ll start with the balls because they’re the least immediately distressing part of the whole situation. If it were very very dark, and I had never seen what testicles were meant to look like, I could almost be convinced that they were a halfway decent reproduction of a living person’s testicles just made out of rubber. However, if I turned the light on, I would be extremely distressed to be holding what looks like two deformed stress balls. Moving on to the shaft from your testicles is unfortunate. I wish I did not have to. I’m going to keep it real with you, my friend. There is nothing that should bend that way on the human body. Do you feel no pain? Do you have no nerve endings? Is that what allows you to flop around the rubberized noodle you call your dick? Additionally, the color of the thing you insist on referring to as a penis distresses me greatly. I’m of the firm opinion that nothing in this world should be that pale. It looks like if I were to squeeze it, spores would release from the tip. I tried to think about having sex with you. I carefully considered what it would be like to spread my legs and allow you to attempt to enter me with that pathetic excuse for a cock. I immediately had to stop because the thought dried me out so much that it was painful. The image in my mind of your pathetic attempts to fit that pool noodle into my pussy have made me reconsidered sex in general. In between writing this review, I scrolled the webpages of nunneries because considering having sex with you made me reconsider my life choices. My brief listed you as having a partner. I would like to congratulate you on having such fantastic head game, because you must. There is simply no way any sane person would stick around with you if the only sexual pleasure they got from you was your penis. Unless their kink is just being completely disgusted and disappointed. Is your partner’s kink about being completely disgusted and disappointed? If so, they have met the perfect match with you and your penis. I’m going to give your dick a flat 0 / 5 stars and pray I never have to look at something as repulsive ever again.
lys
Hi! Sorry for the late reply. When I got these, I thought I had been sent a set of pictures as a joke and I had to email back to confirm that I was supposed to review this. And can I just say – oof. And can I also add – yikes. God really does just make people like you without any regard for the rest of us. I don’t typically have a weak stomach, but I’ve seen a video of gallbladder surgery that made me want to throw up less. Speaking of surgery, the next person those pictures should be sent to is a medical professional. Not because I think there is anything to do with something that deformed, but because I think you would make some doctor very happy by providing him with the scientific discovery of a never before seen type of genitalia. One man’s disgust is another man’s scientific achievement. The least objectionable part about this is probably the coloration. I didn’t know that dicks came that pale. I now regret that I do. I have seen similar pallor on expensive moldy cheeses. Speaking of which, you are circumcised but I swear to god you have dick cheese! It looks like if I grabbed your dick and gave it a good squeeze, liquid would ooze out because it just looks so damp. Moving on to the shaft, which I find considerably more objectionable. It’s long, but does that matter since it just folds back on itself? And there’s no girth. So it really would be like getting fucked with a dirty pool noodle. For the purpose of this review, I try to honestly put myself in a situation where I could have sex with you knowing what I would behold when you pulled your pants down. And I genuinely cannot think of a single one. The thought of having you inside me fills me with such utter revulsion that I’m finding it difficult to type. The thought of the rubbery texture of your cock in my pussy and the rubbery slap of your testicles against me (I imagine it would sound something like a bouncy beach ball) caused me to first laugh and then cry for the person you’re dating. How much do you pay her to stick around? It must be exorbitant. Though in all honesty, with a dick like that, I would encourage her to unionize. Have you two had sex? If she told you she liked it, she lied. Women more often than not like dicks that are…not that. If I had to guess, she’s saving herself for marriage. At least that’s what she tells you and her parents to avoid avoid her having to come out as gay. Hell, I’ll take her off your hands because there’s no way you could do anything for her with that. I’ll sign off by saying ew. Put that away. And the fact that your penis exists is proof that there is no such thing as a merciful god that exists. -2 / 5 stars in solidarity with your girlfriend
tina
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